Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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