Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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