You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
