8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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