I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
