So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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