no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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