Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
