She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
