I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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