I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
