i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
