So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
