Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
