I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
