Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
