I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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