It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
