ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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