John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
