his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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