i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize