This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
