I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
