I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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