How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
