Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
