he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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