Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
