i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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