i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
