All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
