yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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