I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize