My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
