I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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