I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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