I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
