He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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