Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize