i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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