on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
There was a lot of him and a little penis
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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