I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
