I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
