I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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