I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
