i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
