Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
