I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
