she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Randomize