I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
