Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
