he puts the penis in happiness.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
