does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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