We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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