I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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