Im at strip club and am horny
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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