So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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