HIV tests are more positive than that guy
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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