Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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