Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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